October 13, 2014

This was us,

all these could have been us.. 

& everything was suppose to be,

we were great.

and then there was a pouring rain, I will never quite understand what happened.

While on your exchange, things changed.. you changed..

Europe was supposed to be a mini-honeymoon, everyone knows finding a partner and traveling 'the world' is just the best thing ever. But that experience was not to be.. we were far from where we were before, we were many steps back. I was not ready for what I was in for, and throughout the trip I was so desperately trying to fix something I didn't know how I even broken so badly.
I am sorry for not being a better person.

whatever happened..

I just know that,

I loved with all my heart. I loved like I never loved before. 

And in my mind there was only you.

it was always, just you.

and I guess this is not to be..

It has been months, but my heart still aches and I still tears at the thought of us.
 I try new things, I travel, I keep myself busy.
 But you have put me down completely on the cold hard ground.

I reach out, only to fall back, time over time again.

And now in my mind this is all I see:

you in the distance.. the small wonderful girl, the blessing of my life..
and of course all the places we never been.. 

you gave me all, and then take it all away.

I feel and fear I will never reach out again.

was I brave or stupid to let go

was it for you, or was it for me

it doesn't seem things would ever be the same

what is good and what is right

do we brace or bow to the ruthlessness that is

the state of love.


October 4, 2014

Still entering loops. Need to start remembering new pw.

September 7, 2014
To be like Homer.

 I really like this. Homer Simpson may not be the best looking, the richest nor the brightest. In fact he is a little silly. but what he is also, is a gem inside, a real good man. People are often superficial, knowingly or unknowingly.. time to wake up guys! Beauty is skin deep! 


So.... I watched a movie in the cinema all by myself again today, the 2nd time in my life!
Certain didn't felt as awkward and 'sad' as the first time.. of cos me being me, I would definitely enjoy and prefer company, & probably still avoid watching alone as much as I can, but I am beginning to appreciate the alone time, and hey, maybe it isn't that bad after all. But it was quite funny because it was a super impromptu decision! Basically I was home all day and my mum randomly decided to send me a photo of her mid-autumn festival party.. and that's when I just decided to go f-it, searched for a movie online and went for it! decision made, journey down, all within 15mins. haha, :D proud of myself. 

guess the surprise was also her reply back to me.. its was sweet.

I still miss her, I still miss us, I still think of the could haves, would haves, and should have beens. But if it's meant to be, I am sure we'll find our way. For now, I stay brave, and I stay Happy, I owe it to myself and the people around me :)

September 2, 2014
I wanna learn how to box too!

September 1, 2014

Hope dangles on a string like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out, the shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in, so mesmerizing and so hypnotizing
I am captivated, I am

Vindicated, I am selfish, I am wrong, I am right
I swear I'm right, swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore, you saw yourself

So clear like the diamond in your ring, cut to mirror your intention
Over sized and overwhelmed, the shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated and so motivated
I am certain now that I am

Vindicated, I am selfish, I am wrong, I am right
I swear I'm right, swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore, you saw yourself

So turn up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever

Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'll be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current

So let me slip away, so let me slip away
So let me slip away, so let me slip against the current
So let me slip away, so let me slip away
So let me slip away, so let me slip away

Vindicated, I am selfish, I am wrong, I am right
I swear I'm right, swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore, you saw yourself

Slight hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption

August 29, 2014
What it's like to be in love but not in love.

I guess she forgotten me skipping  my meals almost everyday, just to save for my flight to find her.

I guess she forgotten that I remained faithful and that my frustrations were only because I've missed her.

I guess she forgotten that when one is in love all the person ever want is to be with the person he loves, and nothing more.

And then I guess she forgot that because she wasn't simply a train or a bus away, all I asked for was some small attention.

and then I suppose that too became a burden.

she was doing fine without me.

I guess she didn't understand that studying was my mean of keeping my sadness away because she was always traveling, so i'll just keep doing what I was doing.. withering myself away..

I guess she forgotten that being the one grounded is never easy. And support is what is necessary for all LDR to work.

Maybe she simply wanted to give up. Or no longer loved.

I guess she didn't know I lost 3kg and that everyone was saying I got skinnier. I did not tell her, I just wanted her to be happy and enjoy herself but only hope she remembers (me).

she grew tired instead.

Everything that she asks for, I gave in. Everything.

And all she does is habour over a few sentences I said

She also values her independence, I have never held her back.

And when I am unhappy it is exactly because I care that things matters. it's love.

What more can I do, that I have not already done?

she demands to know about the future..

haven't all that I have done not show enough sincerity?

The patience, me giving things up, me letting go, me respecting her, me giving in, me loving her.. doesn't that surmount to more than a quick fire reply that is what she wants to hear? about the future.. about the future.. about that.... how are we now? 1yr + 6 months of you being away, is it fair to ask for an answer? how fair was it for me the she treated me for the entire month in Europe?

Hasn't the subtle hints of 'this may really be something' I've always dropped mean anything to her? is anything ever enough for her? or perhaps she is just too blind to see.

I wonder if this feeling of hurt will ever heal,

There isn't natural progression, not for her. Only solid answers.

There isn't follow your heart in her dictionary. Only what she wants.

There isn't understanding,
There isn't fairness,
There is no such thing as promises (because she can break them all, and that's OK. But just because I cannot provide ONE simply because I am honest and real, she chooses to break away from me)

Then there was her, and it is still her.
Everything I ever did, I did for her. 
So if it isn't love, then I don't know what is.
But for her nothing seems enough
except for what she wants in her  fairy-tale world
and that is not me.

I am torn and broken, I cried for nothing in this world but because of her, my tears came rolling down.

I've never loved someone so hard yet failed so hard at the same time..

She say she doesn't feel it.

Was it I who was rushing? because it certainly wasn't me who was pressing..
But it seems she thinks she was the only one making all the sacrifices.
or at least my sacrifices doesn't mean anything to her..

Sometimes I can't help but think if it was really love, if ours was something really precious to her, then none of this will have happened. If it was really love, there's no way one will get too tired, if it was really love, then one will not take things in measurement. if it was really love, one will simply keep on loving until the time is right and ripe for both. That's what I did, but what she did instead was lock herself up and create a distance. I was trying so damn hard for her, and there was nothing coming from her.

underappreciated? maybe. underloved? maybe.

just so hurt.. Europe for her.. everything for her. It's all a bloody joke.. I wish so hard that none of this was real. Nothing happened. She never left. Nothing.. just nothing..  :'c .

I wonder if pushing me away what you always wanted? or maybe she didn't love me anymore and its all just an excuse to get me off.

Happy Birthday.

August 28, 2014
What've not been waiting for

This was suppose to be the semester I get to hold her again.

To have meals and study together. What I had been waiting for, fighting for..

Now I am alone once more. nothing's changed for the better..

it's tough to stay strong. will just keep trying.

August 26, 2014

missing her. but..

unless we are meant to be, until then.

August 17, 2014

I think maybe I understand better now why some people will choose not to have a social media account. It is really painful to see happy photos of other couples and friends sharing their moments, I'm particularly sensitive to photos of send-offs, exchange photos or photos of sweet,  cuddling couples.

Things I never had. Nothing seems real. Everything just went passed so quickly. Just feel so heavy inside sometimes.

And because of that, my album entitled 'first trip to europe' might not be clicked in a long time. I have only seen it once. My parents have asked to see it, I have never shown anyone..

I know it would be too painful. Europe was a blur. Everything was a blur. Everything happened but nothing really happened. She killed the romance. Now we suffer.

August 14, 2014
Airport sent offs

Sent my old pal off at the airport today.

Visiting the Airport is fine, it was the part on sending someone off to exchange again that was a little heartbreaking. It reminded me of 8 months ago, where I sent off my special someone. Back then, although not on the best circumstances, I was generally positive, I made a vow to wait and a promise to her brother I will take good care of her despite being miles away. I would do my best. I couldn't wait to next see her again.

who would have know then, when things were so sweet that our rs was about to take its most dramatic turn. NO CONTROL.

pretty hurtful and very saddening, that all things said, nothing turned out as foreseen, promised, dreamed, hoped. nothing except the vague presence and being together just as two human beings again. but only that.

August 10, 2014
So Compatible yet Not Compatible

I wonder when will I be ready to take down the photos and change my laptop password.

August 9, 2014
Alternate Reality

I still feel hurt, I still think of her, and I still think of the wasted opportunities.

How things could've been so different, so enjoyable.. things between us could be so close to perfect.

And at other times I just think it's all a joke, that on the surface I seemed like the impatient one, but when I think hard about it, it is not me who is impatient, I have been patient the whole time.. while she kept pressing for more. the other kind of more, on the big future, the big picture. I simply do not have enough to substantiate an answer for her, I could not verbalise a reply which she seeks so badly when I do not have even the most basic connection to share with her. it's like asking to reach for the skies when we don't even have a plane. To swim without the sea. u just need to have something first. that something was clearly missing, and the missing link, that provision was not mine to give, but her's to extend. I done my part, we were fine. but she backed out. whatever happened, I will never know.. I never know anything.

who given up on who really?

We both tried so hard, but for the both of us, that's just not enough.

fuck expectations. It's all bad timing. I'd like to think of it that way. She's not ready (at all) and I am not ready (word.)

either way, I can't stop myself from thinking if only things were different. it keeps playing in my head.

such a love-hate thing. as with my relationship with Europe now..

Sigh.. I really need something to help me forget, since it seems that's the only way now.. it's over.. just still can't accept that yet :'(

August 7, 2014
i am not alright

I am probably at the lowest point of my life.

I know this because I am not a guy that normally cries*.

*teared being only teary wet eyes, cried being enough accumulation for them to come falling

Those that say they never ever cry? I used to find that cool and manly. Until i teared and teared again, and i finally actually cried, today, with actual tears rolling down my cheeks. I am very human afterall.

In the past few months i was tested, my feelings were stretched, i never felt smaller, i was stumbling to a crawl... So this is what breaking down is really about..

Feelings have no confinement.. Yet we humans have to put up with a false (and forced) front. I realised i was pretending for the longest time. Always pretending. Pretending to contended. Pretending to be doing great. Pretending .. to be alright

I am not.

I am disgusted by people in general which our society and education have bred. I am disappointed at the system i am obliged to follow. I felt extremely constricted. I fought long and hard through adolescence only to end up in a place where there is only one way, up, or the the pit of forever lost, there's no room for the weak or failures.

more importantly i hated myself for not daring. Daring to chase my desires, work less on what was dictated and expected upon me, to pursuit what truly matters, happiness: our responsible for living.


I missed my gf. I dreamt of her, i waited for months, ldr is hard. finally i flew. i travelled half the globe, i met her, but bliss was not to be found. Only a certain destruction. We came home, we broke up.

So basically all the fantasies, the hopes, everything we envisioned, gone. Just like that.

I am left without the girl i thought might be 'it' and also a whole lot of money. My entire savings. I spent everything for love.

Then, in the midst of it all, it seemed clear to me that I've truly lost an old friend who changed so much i could no longer continue our friendship. A friend so close but now only a distanted acquaintance whom i want little or no part of..

And where this is the point one (probably) has his/her family to turn to,  because afterall they are blood and closest to the heart; a place for refuge, a place called home, mine's broken.

Suddenly, the room is silenced, my heart is emptied. I (almost) have nothing left, i am stripped bare of everything that mattered. . all that is important to me, all that i have and always hold dear....


I came into my room, i shut my door, i sat on the floor and for the first time in more than 10years those damn wet things finally weighted enough to fall. All that accumulation , all my pains, my lost..

I am terrified, I am heartbroken and i feel all by myself

It was then and there I finally figure(and admit) after so long that, no, i am not actually OK. I am not ok..


July 10, 2014
Please don't kill the romance

are we there?

we all know the cards

am I in or am I out

time and time, the memories we make 

do we leap?

where will I rest my head 

for what I am, I never am

someday or someday?

it is even or is it not

what was there but now where

the bitter so sweet

holding and sending away..

holding and sending away ....

February 8, 2014
Blue Dusk

My body is idle

my mind is wild

I have no control

I am alive

just not alive

it always takes awhile

 then it becomes more

blue dusk..

why do you never wait.


January 28, 2014

All the things you have ever done for me, so lovingly, do you do them just for me or because you want too?

I need your love and I need it now

We’re still the same
Clinch as we thought,
hurts as it does
But all in a moment
again we are two

We’re still the same
How we have not gotten far
Let’s pay no mind to the lights of the outside world
Could we not just be us?
Let us move slow and tender deeply
And fall to the passion of love

We’re still the same
Could we return to what we know?
Let not the when or how,
the if ever or after block our sensory to love
Let us feel the moment and not miss a thing
Because I know,

We’re still the same

We love one another. And that’s all that matters.

January 2, 2014
Mmm.. Resolutions.

Do they even matter? no one sticks to plan, the world is spinning, everything changes. Even You know that. I am sure anyone reading this would come to some agreement.

what do I think?

if anything, I would much prefer the mantra of 'what comes may'..

The below excerpt though, really sums it best for me,  

"I have an issue with New Year's resolutions. I feel like they instill self-loathing in people because you're sitting around thinking about things you want to change. So, think about things you like and vow to stay that way" -Diablo Cody  

so simple as that,

Stay true fellows. 

Happy 2014 everyone (:

Endless parade of fireworks - perhaps the best damn thing about New Year :d

July 27, 2013

People say you only get presents in christmas
and that good things come in small packages

as I have learnt, that is true.

Good things does come in small packages 
but presents, they can come everyday of the year

at least I know I do (:

You see, cheesy as it sounds,
I get these little presents of love all year!

like layers of blanket while out in the sea
then top it up with a cup of hot tea!

but mine is special

no sugar can match
no heat can cover
the warmth I get is so damn sweet

that is the power of her to me



in a labyrinth of walkways
and series of walls
I was met with a gift!
a little present, someone small
& I was in for the biggest surprise of all

we barely knew, yet when I was down & when I was ill
she never once failed to brighten my mood or make me good

tini as she may be, she is a strong girl
to this day she still continues to amaze me
 but down inside I know she is a jelly-marshmallow 

but I am glad my shoulder is now her's

no amount of gifts can be greater than the gift of love.

thank you for being THAT gift to me
<3 Loopy.

January 2, 2013
2013 Resolution

Do things that make me Happy.
simple as that; because Life's short, and you never know what happens next

The Secret.

Facebook Tumblr

The Need.

Graduate with a smile
The nice soft hair I once had
Prosumer Camera (maybe)
A good inspiration
A long vacation
A Car, a Bike and a Puppy
Everlasting love?
Whatever else that makes me happy

My Escapes.

Aaron Ng Aloysius Ong Christine Christopher Chia Cynthia Neo Elyza Jace Wong Johan Luke Chen Pamela How Priscilla Tan Regina Hoh Sheila Loh Sin Yean Sofya Wei Wen Yong Ann Yeng Ling Yimei Zheng Xin


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