| August 29, 2014
What it's like to be in love but not in love.  I guess she forgotten me skipping my meals almost everyday, just to save for my flight to find her. I guess she forgotten that I remained faithful and that my frustrations were only because I've missed her. I guess she forgotten that when one is in love all the person ever want is to be with the person he loves, and nothing more. And then I guess she forgot that because she wasn't simply a train or a bus away, all I asked for was some small attention. and then I suppose that too became a burden. she was doing fine without me. I guess she didn't understand that studying was my mean of keeping my sadness away because she was always traveling, so i'll just keep doing what I was doing.. withering myself away.. I guess she forgotten that being the one grounded is never easy. And support is what is necessary for all LDR to work. Maybe she simply wanted to give up. Or no longer loved. I guess she didn't know I lost 3kg and that everyone was saying I got skinnier. I did not tell her, I just wanted her to be happy and enjoy herself but only hope she remembers (me). she grew tired instead. Everything that she asks for, I gave in. Everything. And all she does is habour over a few sentences I said She also values her independence, I have never held her back. And when I am unhappy it is exactly because I care that things matters. it's love. What more can I do, that I have not already done? she demands to know about the future.. haven't all that I have done not show enough sincerity? The patience, me giving things up, me letting go, me respecting her, me giving in, me loving her.. doesn't that surmount to more than a quick fire reply that is what she wants to hear? about the future.. about the future.. about that.... how are we now? 1yr + 6 months of you being away, is it fair to ask for an answer? how fair was it for me the she treated me for the entire month in Europe? Hasn't the subtle hints of 'this may really be something' I've always dropped mean anything to her? is anything ever enough for her? or perhaps she is just too blind to see. I wonder if this feeling of hurt will ever heal, There isn't natural progression, not for her. Only solid answers. There isn't follow your heart in her dictionary. Only what she wants. There isn't understanding, There isn't fairness, There is no such thing as promises (because she can break them all, and that's OK. But just because I cannot provide ONE simply because I am honest and real, she chooses to break away from me) Then there was her, and it is still her. Everything I ever did, I did for her. So if it isn't love, then I don't know what is. But for her nothing seems enough except for what she wants in her fairy-tale world and that is not me. I am torn and broken, I cried for nothing in this world but because of her, my tears came rolling down. I've never loved someone so hard yet failed so hard at the same time.. She say she doesn't feel it. Was it I who was rushing? because it certainly wasn't me who was pressing.. But it seems she thinks she was the only one making all the sacrifices. or at least my sacrifices doesn't mean anything to her.. Sometimes I can't help but think if it was really love, if ours was something really precious to her, then none of this will have happened. If it was really love, there's no way one will get too tired, if it was really love, then one will not take things in measurement. if it was really love, one will simply keep on loving until the time is right and ripe for both. That's what I did, but what she did instead was lock herself up and create a distance. I was trying so damn hard for her, and there was nothing coming from her. underappreciated? maybe. underloved? maybe. just so hurt.. Europe for her.. everything for her. It's all a bloody joke.. I wish so hard that none of this was real. Nothing happened. She never left. Nothing.. just nothing.. :'c .
I wonder if pushing me away what you always wanted? or maybe she didn't love me anymore and its all just an excuse to get me off.
Happy Birthday.
August 28, 2014
What've not been waiting for This was suppose to be the semester I get to hold her again. To have meals and study together. What I had been waiting for, fighting for.. Now I am alone once more. nothing's changed for the better.. it's tough to stay strong. will just keep trying. August 26, 2014
还是要幸福.. missing her. but.. unless we are meant to be, until then. August 17, 2014
I think maybe I understand better now why some people will choose not to have a social media account. It is really painful to see happy photos of other couples and friends sharing their moments, I'm particularly sensitive to photos of send-offs, exchange photos or photos of sweet, cuddling couples. Things I never had. Nothing seems real. Everything just went passed so quickly. Just feel so heavy inside sometimes. And because of that, my album entitled 'first trip to europe' might not be clicked in a long time. I have only seen it once. My parents have asked to see it, I have never shown anyone.. I know it would be too painful. Europe was a blur. Everything was a blur. Everything happened but nothing really happened. She killed the romance. Now we suffer. August 14, 2014
Airport sent offs Sent my old pal off at the airport today. Visiting the Airport is fine, it was the part on sending someone off to exchange again that was a little heartbreaking. It reminded me of 8 months ago, where I sent off my special someone. Back then, although not on the best circumstances, I was generally positive, I made a vow to wait and a promise to her brother I will take good care of her despite being miles away. I would do my best. I couldn't wait to next see her again. who would have know then, when things were so sweet that our rs was about to take its most dramatic turn. NO CONTROL. pretty hurtful and very saddening, that all things said, nothing turned out as foreseen, promised, dreamed, hoped. nothing except the vague presence and being together just as two human beings again. but only that. August 10, 2014
So Compatible yet Not Compatible I wonder when will I be ready to take down the photos and change my laptop password. August 9, 2014
Alternate Reality I still feel hurt, I still think of her, and I still think of the wasted opportunities. How things could've been so different, so enjoyable.. things between us could be so close to perfect. And at other times I just think it's all a joke, that on the surface I seemed like the impatient one, but when I think hard about it, it is not me who is impatient, I have been patient the whole time.. while she kept pressing for more. the other kind of more, on the big future, the big picture. I simply do not have enough to substantiate an answer for her, I could not verbalise a reply which she seeks so badly when I do not have even the most basic connection to share with her. it's like asking to reach for the skies when we don't even have a plane. To swim without the sea. u just need to have something first. that something was clearly missing, and the missing link, that provision was not mine to give, but her's to extend. I done my part, we were fine. but she backed out. whatever happened, I will never know.. I never know anything. who given up on who really? We both tried so hard, but for the both of us, that's just not enough. fuck expectations. It's all bad timing. I'd like to think of it that way. She's not ready (at all) and I am not ready (word.) either way, I can't stop myself from thinking if only things were different. it keeps playing in my head. such a love-hate thing. as with my relationship with Europe now.. Sigh.. I really need something to help me forget, since it seems that's the only way now.. it's over.. just still can't accept that yet :'( August 7, 2014
i am not alright I am probably at the lowest point of my life. I know this because I am not a guy that normally cries*. *teared being only teary wet eyes, cried being enough accumulation for them to come falling Those that say they never ever cry? I used to find that cool and manly. Until i teared and teared again, and i finally actually cried, today, with actual tears rolling down my cheeks. I am very human afterall. In the past few months i was tested, my feelings were stretched, i never felt smaller, i was stumbling to a crawl... So this is what breaking down is really about.. Feelings have no confinement.. Yet we humans have to put up with a false (and forced) front. I realised i was pretending for the longest time. Always pretending. Pretending to contended. Pretending to be doing great. Pretending .. to be alright
I am not.
I am disgusted by people in general which our society and education have bred. I am disappointed at the system i am obliged to follow. I felt extremely constricted. I fought long and hard through adolescence only to end up in a place where there is only one way, up, or the the pit of forever lost, there's no room for the weak or failures. more importantly i hated myself for not daring. Daring to chase my desires, work less on what was dictated and expected upon me, to pursuit what truly matters, happiness: our responsible for living. . . I missed my gf. I dreamt of her, i waited for months, ldr is hard. finally i flew. i travelled half the globe, i met her, but bliss was not to be found. Only a certain destruction. We came home, we broke up. So basically all the fantasies, the hopes, everything we envisioned, gone. Just like that. I am left without the girl i thought might be 'it' and also a whole lot of money. My entire savings. I spent everything for love. Then, in the midst of it all, it seemed clear to me that I've truly lost an old friend who changed so much i could no longer continue our friendship. A friend so close but now only a distanted acquaintance whom i want little or no part of.. And where this is the point one (probably) has his/her family to turn to, because afterall they are blood and closest to the heart; a place for refuge, a place called home, mine's broken. Suddenly, the room is silenced, my heart is emptied. I (almost) have nothing left, i am stripped bare of everything that mattered. . all that is important to me, all that i have and always hold dear.... 6/8/2014 I came into my room, i shut my door, i sat on the floor and for the first time in more than 10years those damn wet things finally weighted enough to fall. All that accumulation , all my pains, my lost.. I am terrified, I am heartbroken and i feel all by myself It was then and there I finally figure(and admit) after so long that, no, i am not actually OK. I am not ok.. :( |
The Secret.  
The Need.
Graduate with a smile
The nice soft hair I once had Prosumer Camera (maybe) A good inspiration A long vacation A Car, a Bike and a Puppy Everlasting love? Whatever else that makes me happy My Escapes. Aaron Ng Aloysius Ong Christine Christopher Chia Cynthia Neo Elyza Jace Wong Johan Luke Chen Pamela How Priscilla Tan Regina Hoh Sheila Loh Sin Yean Sofya Wei Wen Yong Ann Yeng Ling Yimei Zheng Xin Shush. Have a blog? I'd love to link you! Just leave your link below & I'll be sure to drop by ;) Gone. July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 July 2010 August 2010 October 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 April 2012 June 2012 July 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 July 2013 January 2014 February 2014 July 2014 August 2014 September 2014 October 2014 |